By Manan, Grade 10
If you have ever read satire before, you must have read Jonathan Swift: especially his piece titled “A Modest Proposal,” in which he writes a satirical essay to propose a crazy solution to a real life problem: in his case, he wrote about how poor people can sell of their children to be eaten by the rich in exchange for money to buy real food, which could somehow solve the Irish plague.
Insane, right? So, as any normal person would do, I decided to write my own Modest Proposal to solve today’s real-world problem: US-China war!
A Modest Proposal:
For de-escalating China-US tensions, ending further great-power competition, and disposing of nuclear weapons
The current state of affairs presents a most concerning tableau: two great powers, the United States and China, positioned on a precipice, grandmasters playing the global game of chess. The world watches where both sides tighten their grip on their queen, ready to obliterate the board, the world, and all in it. The queen is their trump card: their nuclear weapons. Both gleefully move it around, both building up their arsenals as great power war seems imminent. One wrong move by either side, one blunder, and the delicate balance on the board is upended.
It is with a heavy heart that I, a dedicated servant of the United Nations, having committed myself to the study of international relations, present this proposal to the permanent five (China, US, Russia, France, UK) of the United Nations Security Council and the Secretary General. My concern for the well-being of all nations stems not from baseless speculation, but from years of careful analysis and consultation with numerous experts in foreign affairs. Indeed, I recently came across a most thorough analysis from a coalition of Chinese and American political scientists which reaffirmed my grave concerns and solidified my resolve to find a solution to this precarious situation.
The present reality is that the doctrine of Mutually Assured Destruction (MAD), which has long been the foundation of nuclear deterrence, is failing to maintain global stability. The escalating tensions between the United States and China now threaten to undermine this fragile equilibrium, placing not only the two nations but the entire globe at grave risk. The only thing that both nations agree on is the latency of nuclear weapons and the importance of the victor to use them well. It is clear that traditional methods of diplomacy, while well-intentioned, have proven insufficient to address this issue.
It is the opinion of this humble writer that the most efficient solution is to institute a series of games, which shall be known as the "Nuclear Olympics," to determine which nation is most capable and deserving of its nuclear arsenal. In a series of challenges, the US and China shall compete in events that use their nuclear arsenal on other sites, with respective allies offering themselves up for nuclear show-off. This will allow us to transition from MAD to what I propose as Mutually Assured Competition (MAC). Indeed, possible events could include the biggest mushroom cloud, most countries hit in an hour, best radiation spread pattern, long distance nuking accuracy, and a final event with who can nuke the moon. Of course, these events cannot be performed in the US or China themselves: so, to incorporate each country’s allies and tapping into their desire to help their respective coalition, they can offer themselves as demonstration grounds to help their ally win. It’s simply foolproof. This new paradigm will allow us to safely eliminate the threat of a US-China war by using up each’s nuclear arsenal.
It can be agreed upon by all parties that US-China war is an existential threat. The UNSC and other diplomatic initiatives have failed spectacularly at solving these tensions, and thus a drastic solution is needed. Indeed, the global community is in dire need of a clear and decisive end to the power struggle to entrench stability and prevent the chaos that will occur in the event of a conflict. We must play on the two soft sides each power has: their ego and their love of nuclear weapons. Those who disagree argue that nuclear weapons should never be employed under any circumstances, but this is impractical given the current geopolitical landscape and that the priority is avoiding a devastating US-China war. Additionally, some may suggest that a "Nuclear Olympics" would contravene existing international treaties, while ignoring the fact that these treaties have failed spectacularly in preventing the present crisis. Finally, some might say that this entire proposal is ludicrous, failing to recognize that the current situation is far more ludicrous and therefore needs a solution that is also ludicrous.
How did you all like that? Next time, I’ll be elaborating on my proposal, Jonathan Swift style! I recommend you all to read his Modest Proposal and guess what the six reasons for mine will be!
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